2018 in retrospect
Jan. 3rd, 2019 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
0denseHappy new year! I hope everyone finds good things this year!
Actually, 2018 ended up being pretty great for me. Not always in the micro, but as a whole, it was a doozy.
Rambling under the cut:
Long story short, I was an A/SM, props, and chorus all in one show; got my first passel of degrees; got a job; transferred to uni; got another job, this one in my intended field; applied for a master's. All before Christmas.
Apparently, at the new year's party last year, all I could come up with as a resolution was "FUCK 2017, anything as long as it's better than that clusterfuck" and in my defense, 2017 was a hot mess. I was a hot mess. I remember crying disgusting snotty tears and having a breakdown over not managing to do the things I thought I was supposed to achieve right then. I went back into therapy, and bet your ass I needed it.
But you know what, maybe it was the therapy, and maybe it was just the wrong time then, and maybe it came down to me just getting more experience, because something worked this year. I started the spring semester frustrated, but I walked the stage in May and felt the first bit of real pride I can remember since too long ago. Talk about a good birthday!
I guess one thing I will admit not having followed up on is getting back to Prof Philo. I came into his classroom a mess, but something worked, and now I have a passion for the subject. I owe him so much. I think I knew it would be like that even before recognising it, I remember once waiting in the hall outside class and trying to text a friend in french about a campus event, and he wandered by and asked if everything was alright, because I always make odd faces when I'm trying to wrangle french. Oh no, everything's fine, I assured him. I'm just telling someone about the student government event. You know, he offered, you could cut class to see it, if you want. You won't miss much today. No way, I said without thinking. I need to be here.
So that's a resolution: Reach back out to Prof Philo, because I owe him so much and he deserves to know what a good influence he's been.
And now I've graduated from that campus. Code Name Phil wants to be a professor himself, he might go back. But now I've moved on.
Now, I'm a full-time commuting philosophy student at uni. Now, I've had to write harder papers than ever before. The great thing about philosophy is discovering and putting out and defending a position, and that takes guts and self-awareness! I know for a fact I could not have actually managed these, last year! Now, I'm confident enough to start to defend myself (oh boy), and each time it turns out I've made a decent argument, it only helps me edge towards the next steps.
Is this what they call growth? is this what they call health???????????????? bizarre!!
I work in a legal center, now. I might be in the chute for promotion, in a bit. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not ready for it, I know. But what if I am, by then? What if I can actually do the things that the people I admire now do? What if I get to the point of being competent not only in regards to myself, but what if I do get to help people? I've spent so long grinding on myself. I want to get somewhere to be there for other people, too.
This year, I start to think that I might be able to. I have a hazy outline of my future - not exact, no, but I have goals. I spent so Fucking long without goals, without thinking that I could have a future. I didn't want to be anything, I didn't think I would be anything in the first place. But this year has been a surreal experiment in confidence, and I want to keep it up. Turns out I like being alive.
I did know the pressure was on. After 2017, I needed to make some changes, because myself up to then was not sustainable. And how auspicious that it's been the year of the Dog. It's been my year to flourish, and I don't know what being 12 was like, but thank goodness I had the year aligned for me this time. Our handbook says next year will be protected, and I hope it's true. I don't need to make massive changes like I did this year; I just want to keep it up. I want to do work that I'm proud of, and also remember to take care of myself, because that's one place this year hasn't really shone. Hopefully next year, I'll be able to develop in those areas, too.
But altogether, I have to give thanks for 2018, in my life. I'll remember it as a time I started to put down roots, finally.
Also, I took a stab at a playlist, for a broad-strokes emotional journey through the year: 2018 on youtube, and listing and comments under cut 2
This Year - I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me
Start Again - I just wanna roll my sleeves up, and start again
Walking The Wire - there's joy in this song, and I needed it
Florence + The Machine - Stand By Me - Yes, the one from FFXV. Walk tall
If You Could See Me Now - One of the healthier things I did this year was separate from some people in new ways. Still sucks ass.
Drive - California is my home, though. But now we're singing.
I Wonder (Departure) - I spent a good deal of time at my old campus! And it was time to move on! Realising it's time to let go is terrifying?? But who the Hell am I, if I don't even try?
My Petersburg - I'm no Dima, but I love this city, I said. I guess I'm inverted from him, finding a new place here. Funny how a boy can grow! Funny how a city tells you when it's time to go
Vienna Teng - Mission Street - She's on tour in the area rn, and I wish I'd known we'd be in town right now too, to tell her how much I love how much she loves the city. San Francisco is such a great place to get to participate in. Mission Street is a striking dark-eyed stranger who speaks a language I don't know but long to learn / its cadences fall endlessly beyond the windowpane, as I sit as though awaiting some return
Be Still - I ended 2018 profoundly exhausted. The academic and personal rush was unlike anything before, and it was very much putting one foot before the next and delicately keeping my head above water. And I'm gonna do it again, and again, until I've reached everything there is to be had here. When they knock you down / Don't break character / You've got so much heart ... Oh, Rise up like the sun And labor till the work is done. Be still, be still. Remember to breathe. Don't let it be too much.
Actually, 2018 ended up being pretty great for me. Not always in the micro, but as a whole, it was a doozy.
Rambling under the cut:
Long story short, I was an A/SM, props, and chorus all in one show; got my first passel of degrees; got a job; transferred to uni; got another job, this one in my intended field; applied for a master's. All before Christmas.
Apparently, at the new year's party last year, all I could come up with as a resolution was "FUCK 2017, anything as long as it's better than that clusterfuck" and in my defense, 2017 was a hot mess. I was a hot mess. I remember crying disgusting snotty tears and having a breakdown over not managing to do the things I thought I was supposed to achieve right then. I went back into therapy, and bet your ass I needed it.
But you know what, maybe it was the therapy, and maybe it was just the wrong time then, and maybe it came down to me just getting more experience, because something worked this year. I started the spring semester frustrated, but I walked the stage in May and felt the first bit of real pride I can remember since too long ago. Talk about a good birthday!
I guess one thing I will admit not having followed up on is getting back to Prof Philo. I came into his classroom a mess, but something worked, and now I have a passion for the subject. I owe him so much. I think I knew it would be like that even before recognising it, I remember once waiting in the hall outside class and trying to text a friend in french about a campus event, and he wandered by and asked if everything was alright, because I always make odd faces when I'm trying to wrangle french. Oh no, everything's fine, I assured him. I'm just telling someone about the student government event. You know, he offered, you could cut class to see it, if you want. You won't miss much today. No way, I said without thinking. I need to be here.
So that's a resolution: Reach back out to Prof Philo, because I owe him so much and he deserves to know what a good influence he's been.
And now I've graduated from that campus. Code Name Phil wants to be a professor himself, he might go back. But now I've moved on.
Now, I'm a full-time commuting philosophy student at uni. Now, I've had to write harder papers than ever before. The great thing about philosophy is discovering and putting out and defending a position, and that takes guts and self-awareness! I know for a fact I could not have actually managed these, last year! Now, I'm confident enough to start to defend myself (oh boy), and each time it turns out I've made a decent argument, it only helps me edge towards the next steps.
Is this what they call growth? is this what they call health???????????????? bizarre!!
I work in a legal center, now. I might be in the chute for promotion, in a bit. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not ready for it, I know. But what if I am, by then? What if I can actually do the things that the people I admire now do? What if I get to the point of being competent not only in regards to myself, but what if I do get to help people? I've spent so long grinding on myself. I want to get somewhere to be there for other people, too.
This year, I start to think that I might be able to. I have a hazy outline of my future - not exact, no, but I have goals. I spent so Fucking long without goals, without thinking that I could have a future. I didn't want to be anything, I didn't think I would be anything in the first place. But this year has been a surreal experiment in confidence, and I want to keep it up. Turns out I like being alive.
I did know the pressure was on. After 2017, I needed to make some changes, because myself up to then was not sustainable. And how auspicious that it's been the year of the Dog. It's been my year to flourish, and I don't know what being 12 was like, but thank goodness I had the year aligned for me this time. Our handbook says next year will be protected, and I hope it's true. I don't need to make massive changes like I did this year; I just want to keep it up. I want to do work that I'm proud of, and also remember to take care of myself, because that's one place this year hasn't really shone. Hopefully next year, I'll be able to develop in those areas, too.
But altogether, I have to give thanks for 2018, in my life. I'll remember it as a time I started to put down roots, finally.
Also, I took a stab at a playlist, for a broad-strokes emotional journey through the year: 2018 on youtube, and listing and comments under cut 2
This Year - I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me
Start Again - I just wanna roll my sleeves up, and start again
Walking The Wire - there's joy in this song, and I needed it
Florence + The Machine - Stand By Me - Yes, the one from FFXV. Walk tall
If You Could See Me Now - One of the healthier things I did this year was separate from some people in new ways. Still sucks ass.
Drive - California is my home, though. But now we're singing.
I Wonder (Departure) - I spent a good deal of time at my old campus! And it was time to move on! Realising it's time to let go is terrifying?? But who the Hell am I, if I don't even try?
My Petersburg - I'm no Dima, but I love this city, I said. I guess I'm inverted from him, finding a new place here. Funny how a boy can grow! Funny how a city tells you when it's time to go
Vienna Teng - Mission Street - She's on tour in the area rn, and I wish I'd known we'd be in town right now too, to tell her how much I love how much she loves the city. San Francisco is such a great place to get to participate in. Mission Street is a striking dark-eyed stranger who speaks a language I don't know but long to learn / its cadences fall endlessly beyond the windowpane, as I sit as though awaiting some return
Be Still - I ended 2018 profoundly exhausted. The academic and personal rush was unlike anything before, and it was very much putting one foot before the next and delicately keeping my head above water. And I'm gonna do it again, and again, until I've reached everything there is to be had here. When they knock you down / Don't break character / You've got so much heart ... Oh, Rise up like the sun And labor till the work is done. Be still, be still. Remember to breathe. Don't let it be too much.
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Date: 2019-01-06 06:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 06:57 am (UTC)