0dense

so I've had a sample of the semester's courses, and, well. Bad news.

I do not and can not make myself care about AI.

I don’t care about it. I know that it’s an emerging industry and that it’s vital to stay on top of these things, and the department is making a huge effort to be intersectional and raise awareness of ethical concerns surrounding the AI biz, but -

I don’t care. And I have been trying to make myself interested, I have been trying so hard, but last semester was awful and it honestly made me not enjoy philosophy. And I can’t do that, not if I want to get my MA here. But I couldn’t write a thesis on AI.

And this all is unfortunate because I’m in the SF bay area, and tech is so wildly popular here. It makes sense to stay on the cutting edge! According to my principle of ‘know everything about everything’ I should be psyched about this! But I hate it! I hate it. The technology itself, I don’t really care about, I’m ambivalent on it, yay innovation, but I fucking hate the culture around it, and I can not stand it. I would be atrocious in that community.

This really sucks because it’s the department’s new baby. The department is slowly pivoting towards epistemology and moderns and like, the postmoderns, and even though I think we’re still technically more continental than not, the style is moving and I feel like I’m being left behind.

I know epistemology is important. I would go ham on epistemic injustice, if I could! But the ethics offerings are drying up and I came to this campus to do ethics. I wanted to study medical ethics, specifically, and then that professor died last year, and I’ve been struggling on, but I can’t make an MA out of dragging myself through readings and papers I do not care about. I know it’s whiny, aww, I just wanna do things I like! But I would not pass an MA by half-assing this, and I swear I have been trying to convince myself to enjoy AI, and it isn’t working.

I hate this feeling of apathy and dismotivation. I know that I can love philosophy, and I miss that. I need to find it again.

And also, I’m taking a bio course for fun this semester, on AIDS as an epidemic, and I swear, there is a very very close parallel universe where I stuck with the bio track and went into labs. I thought I was going to go into medical research all my life until I switched to philosophy, and I’m not switching back now, but damn. There really was a reason I thought I would stick it out. I love science, and I hadn’t realised how much I missed it! I stayed back to introduce myself to the professor with the whole pronoun spiel and ask for some recommended readings, because I’ve read France and Shilts, but like, the way Shilts treats Dugas? Kramer’s whole self?? Opinions are fascinating but I don’t want to actually pick up misinformation, and so he pointed me to Jon Cohen and after we talked for a while, he was disappointed that I won’t be joining the bio department. And like man, call me whatever kissass nerd you want, but I get so excited about this. God, what I wouldn’t do to work in public health.

And being absolutely walloped in the face with that passion all over again threw my dissatisfaction with AI into such sharp contrast - it’s easier to do something unpleasant when you don’t know alternatives, etc!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Talk to the department, first. See what they say. Finish my first round of degrees, because I’m dual-tracking like a maniac, and then, shit. I don’t know. I might just knock on doors at SFGH. What Would Dr MedEth Do.

Also, today someone I had thought was chill busted some hilaaaaaaaaaaarious comments about asian accents and food and damn. tastes bad. 'S real bad, my dudes. tbh I hate looking so white, it makes white people think I'm one of them and they can just Say Shit and I hate how I freeze up when it blindsides me and I don't speak up in a timely manner. I'll say something next time I run into that person, but it feels bad, it feels real bad.

eeeeeuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhggggghhh. I’ll stew on things. Tonight, dinner and case briefs. and yes, I fucking will eat my dumplings.