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0denselike... nothing new, nothing special, this whole year is just absolutely miserable. I've been falling behind in my schoolwork because I'm prioritizing my job because I have an immediate sense of external accountability to it. Honestly, my job is a million times easier than my courses, because it's a team effort and I have supervisors putting our deadlines up on the shared calendar so that I get reminder pings automatically. For class, it's more like... motivation? in MY me?? it's less likely than you think!
but then, also, so - this morning I had to take care of some house things so I missed breakfast before my 9h call to class, and I came so close to just saying fuck it, today's not happening. And then instead, professor had reorganised things so that we could spend the whole first hour of seminar getting things off our chests, starting with the death of RBG (zt"l), and like. the first person who was gonna speak up changed his mind because he just got so choked up in the span of just like three seconds, he had to pass.
I actually don't think I've managed to cry this out since spring, either. It's like I don't have a right to spend time indulging myself, when the problems are so much bigger than me. My family needs me, I have too many obligations to waste time getting caught up in how terrible everything is. I have too many obligations to myself, too - I promised myself to my academic and professional careers, I've found myself a creative outlet, I didn't put a breakdown on the schedule. And I know that's obviously not fair or feasible but it's also true that this year is so full of horrors that are so much bigger than us, that if we let it, they would consume us.
But it's also true that I'm also about three seconds from crying 24/7 and just maybe that's a sign that things aren't going great on planet eric, either.
So when we were slowly peeling ourselves open, finally I could also talk about how losing RBG is reminding me of when we lost Dr MedEth (zt"l too). I came to this campus for her, I was gonna be her intern at SFGH, she was our mentor and friend and when she passed it was like the ground fell out from under my feet. The sense of oh God, what do I do now? just like we're all feeling again now. Where do we go? What can we do? Our country is a fascist catastrophe in action, our state is literally on fire, our cities are closed, I haven't been able to spend time with friends who I love in months; the only way I see people I'm not living with is saying thank you to the cashier and sanitation monitor at safeway. No wonder we're so utterly delicate right now, and if anything is a blow, it's the loss of such a key leader like her.
But it still took hearing my professor say it first, that this is just a truly miserable year, for me to let myself say it too. It's been seven months, of course I know that this an impeccably shitty time, but it's such a huge truth that it hasn't needed me saying it for a while. 2020 is the pits, water is wet, I'm sad, who isn't.
So she asked us to think about what we were doing there, in class. In the philosophy department, in the MA program, as students, to remember what brought us here. And we started chewing on the point that we're all here, one way another, because we do believe in the possibility of change, that we as individuals have come together because as a community we are here to learn how to use tools that we do believe can make a difference. So and so is here and working to dismantle the carceral state. So and so is here and in a decolonialisation program. So and so is here and in reproductive justice. So and so is here and countering toxic parenting. And I'm here and in nonprofit civil law. We are so isolated this year, physically and emotionally, but we can still be part of an intellectual community. We really do feel like this is just the red queen's race, but we still do have agency. And when we can't believe it in ourselves, we can remember it in each other.
The world is making us raw. It's a paradox, it's funny, but we've become more honest over zoom. We're further from each other, and have less between ourselves. A year ago, I absolutely don't believe that most of us would've been brave enough to get so emotional in class, but the world is pulling us down and leaving us with only ourselves to hold up. This year is fucking awful, and we all know it, and we don't need to hide a misery that everyone is sharing in. Professor said it was like she used to be able to plug in to the world, but now it's just an endless deluge. it's not an IV any more, it's a port. And it's doube-edged, because we're so receptive to the world but we're also so much more present to it. I'm exhausted and miserable and not alone in it. None of us are. I hate this year, but at least we're going through it together.
but then, also, so - this morning I had to take care of some house things so I missed breakfast before my 9h call to class, and I came so close to just saying fuck it, today's not happening. And then instead, professor had reorganised things so that we could spend the whole first hour of seminar getting things off our chests, starting with the death of RBG (zt"l), and like. the first person who was gonna speak up changed his mind because he just got so choked up in the span of just like three seconds, he had to pass.
I actually don't think I've managed to cry this out since spring, either. It's like I don't have a right to spend time indulging myself, when the problems are so much bigger than me. My family needs me, I have too many obligations to waste time getting caught up in how terrible everything is. I have too many obligations to myself, too - I promised myself to my academic and professional careers, I've found myself a creative outlet, I didn't put a breakdown on the schedule. And I know that's obviously not fair or feasible but it's also true that this year is so full of horrors that are so much bigger than us, that if we let it, they would consume us.
But it's also true that I'm also about three seconds from crying 24/7 and just maybe that's a sign that things aren't going great on planet eric, either.
So when we were slowly peeling ourselves open, finally I could also talk about how losing RBG is reminding me of when we lost Dr MedEth (zt"l too). I came to this campus for her, I was gonna be her intern at SFGH, she was our mentor and friend and when she passed it was like the ground fell out from under my feet. The sense of oh God, what do I do now? just like we're all feeling again now. Where do we go? What can we do? Our country is a fascist catastrophe in action, our state is literally on fire, our cities are closed, I haven't been able to spend time with friends who I love in months; the only way I see people I'm not living with is saying thank you to the cashier and sanitation monitor at safeway. No wonder we're so utterly delicate right now, and if anything is a blow, it's the loss of such a key leader like her.
But it still took hearing my professor say it first, that this is just a truly miserable year, for me to let myself say it too. It's been seven months, of course I know that this an impeccably shitty time, but it's such a huge truth that it hasn't needed me saying it for a while. 2020 is the pits, water is wet, I'm sad, who isn't.
So she asked us to think about what we were doing there, in class. In the philosophy department, in the MA program, as students, to remember what brought us here. And we started chewing on the point that we're all here, one way another, because we do believe in the possibility of change, that we as individuals have come together because as a community we are here to learn how to use tools that we do believe can make a difference. So and so is here and working to dismantle the carceral state. So and so is here and in a decolonialisation program. So and so is here and in reproductive justice. So and so is here and countering toxic parenting. And I'm here and in nonprofit civil law. We are so isolated this year, physically and emotionally, but we can still be part of an intellectual community. We really do feel like this is just the red queen's race, but we still do have agency. And when we can't believe it in ourselves, we can remember it in each other.
The world is making us raw. It's a paradox, it's funny, but we've become more honest over zoom. We're further from each other, and have less between ourselves. A year ago, I absolutely don't believe that most of us would've been brave enough to get so emotional in class, but the world is pulling us down and leaving us with only ourselves to hold up. This year is fucking awful, and we all know it, and we don't need to hide a misery that everyone is sharing in. Professor said it was like she used to be able to plug in to the world, but now it's just an endless deluge. it's not an IV any more, it's a port. And it's doube-edged, because we're so receptive to the world but we're also so much more present to it. I'm exhausted and miserable and not alone in it. None of us are. I hate this year, but at least we're going through it together.
