you know what this is? growth
Nov. 13th, 2020 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
0denseso, something really, really cool happened today.
I got my prescription refilled for the first time since (I think) 2016. Maybe 2015. But not only do I have actual medicine again, I asked for it this time. last month, I took stock of myself, of what I've been feeling and expressing, and took the initiative to find a new GP since I'd gotten new insurance, make the appointment, and ask for help.
for being mentally ill, for specifically having a brain that LOVES to tell me I don't deserve help, this is really, really damn healthy of me. Knowing when, why, and how to ask for help are skills that have taken me 26 years to develop, and having the wherewithall to actually follow through and reach out would not have been in my cards even four years ago.
I have come a long fucking way.
I'm not well. But that's not my fault, and also, I will be. Not tomorrow, not next week, not for a while. But I will be. I've pulled myself out of much, much worse places than now, and I didn't even know what I was doing, then. This time, I have all of those tools - honestly, it's a very funny, tarnished silver lining, but at least this isn't my first rodeo with shitty brain disorder.
I'm really proud. and I think I should be. I'm so glad to love myself enough, by now, to know that I don't just deserve to hurt. Maybe, sure, yes, I'm a mess lately. But I'm also a mess who's learned and is taking steps to get better. I've done it before. This is the first step of doing it again.
I got my prescription refilled for the first time since (I think) 2016. Maybe 2015. But not only do I have actual medicine again, I asked for it this time. last month, I took stock of myself, of what I've been feeling and expressing, and took the initiative to find a new GP since I'd gotten new insurance, make the appointment, and ask for help.
for being mentally ill, for specifically having a brain that LOVES to tell me I don't deserve help, this is really, really damn healthy of me. Knowing when, why, and how to ask for help are skills that have taken me 26 years to develop, and having the wherewithall to actually follow through and reach out would not have been in my cards even four years ago.
I have come a long fucking way.
I'm not well. But that's not my fault, and also, I will be. Not tomorrow, not next week, not for a while. But I will be. I've pulled myself out of much, much worse places than now, and I didn't even know what I was doing, then. This time, I have all of those tools - honestly, it's a very funny, tarnished silver lining, but at least this isn't my first rodeo with shitty brain disorder.
I'm really proud. and I think I should be. I'm so glad to love myself enough, by now, to know that I don't just deserve to hurt. Maybe, sure, yes, I'm a mess lately. But I'm also a mess who's learned and is taking steps to get better. I've done it before. This is the first step of doing it again.
